Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.