im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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