when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
