I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
