You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
