just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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