Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
