I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
