I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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