My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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