so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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