be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
