The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
