I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
