I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
