I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
