gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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