moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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