well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
