Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
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I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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