What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
