watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
