I wish they made helmets for livers.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this hospital has no fireball
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
