Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
