The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
