did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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