I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
