tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
