Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
