dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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