i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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