if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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