I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
