After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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