we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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