By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
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We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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