So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we're making bets on your personal life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
