I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
