I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
