Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
tell me about the eggs
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
