I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
