Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My pussy is not your playground.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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