There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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