the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
