she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
