i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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