life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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