I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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