well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
