i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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