don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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