note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
