i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
