I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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