when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
